Wherever you find an intolerance for and avoidance of “negative emotion,” you are almost guaranteed to also find a “doctrine” of forgiveness. I cringe every time I hear forgiveness come up. For a while, my cringing was accompanied by guilt because I felt horrible that I would see such a “positive” action/attitude as repulsive. I could easily understand why I might feel repelled by the fundamentalist definition of forgiveness, but I didn’t understand why I was also disgusted by the more “liberal” definitions of forgiveness.
As I’ve taken the journey to reclaim my right to have my emotions, even the shadow ones, I’ve gained a bit of a better understanding of my hatred of the very idea of forgiveness.
Basically I’m here to say it’s all bullshit.
Yes, I know I’ve probably made many of you gasp and even branded myself in some minds as a “bitter person.”
That’s okay. If you don’t feel like reading on about how the idea and pressure to “forgive” can actually be harmful, you are free to stop reading here. But I guarantee there are going to be a good number of readers who sigh with relief at what I just said because, deep down, they feel that way too.
Why do I think forgiveness is bullshit? Before I answer that question, I want you to close your eyes and think about your best denotative definition for the word. Can you?
Well, let’s go over some of the popular quotes and quips about forgiveness. Then at the end, we’ll actually look at the dictionary definition and discuss that (now please don’t ruin things and look it up in the dictionary just yet).
- “Forgive and forget”: I actually got this one a lot in fundamentalism. It’s a very convenient phrase for teaching children to suppress memories and accept repeated abuse. In fact, when I, as a teen, confided to a counselor at The Wilds Christian Camp that I couldn’t “forget” about my abuse and I was having a hard time “forgiving” the abuser as a result, I was told that as long as I never talked about it to anyone ever again and pushed the thoughts about the abuse out of my head whenever they intruded, I would be able to forgive, even if I didn’t officially forget. It should be pretty easy to see why equating forgiveness with amnesia of an event is bullshit. Stupidity is not a virtue.
- “To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.” This little gem from C. S. Lewis is representative of another commonly repeated idea in fundamentalism. It doesn’t really define forgiveness, merely mandates it as a divine expectation, which can be just as bad as the definitions. I would actually classify this as spiritual/emotional abuse even without having a definition like the one above simply because of the way that such a divine mandate is wielded against the wounded to undercut their healing. It’s probably also the only idea off the top of my head that I would say Jesus should be ashamed of propogating with his “seventy times seven” statement in Matthew 18:22. . . unless of course, the translation effect fails to account for the possibility that at that time and in that period “forgiveness” wasn’t what we think of it as today.
- “True forgiveness is when you can say, ‘Thank you for that experience.’” (Oprah) Bullshit should be so easy to find in this one. I can think of several experiences that I would NEVER thank someone for, my sexual abuse being the most prominent that comes to mind. In fact, if forgiveness is really finding the ability to be thankful for what someone else did to you that hurt you, I’d have to say that I’ve never forgiven anyone who wronged me, nor do I want to.
- “Forgiveness has nothing to do with absolving a criminal of his crime. It has everything to do with relieving oneself of the burden of being a victim–letting go of the pain and transforming oneself from victim to survivor.” (C. R. Strahan) This is one that on the surface seems nicer. And there are a lot of variations on the idea of freeing or healing oneself through forgiveness. But my next question is, if forgiveness is not absolving someone, what is it? These types of phrases never give an alternative. And I’m sorry to break it to anyone who likes this definition, but it’s not in the real definition. “Absolving,” on the other hand, is. So the attempt to whitewash forgiveness into something entirely personal and not connected to the offending person is really just all BULLSHIT.
- “Forgiveness is the discovery that what you thought happened, didn’t.” (Byron Katie) Bull-fucking-shit! I actually expected better from Byron Katie. I’ve heard a lot of good things about her and was horribly disappointed to find her propagating such a stupid definition of forgiveness. It’s just another form of the amnesia prescription of forgiveness, but with an even more sinister undertone. Instead of just forgetting it happened . . . it’s actually suggesting that it didn’t happen. Yes, let’s tell a grieving parent that forgiving a drunk driver who killed their child would mean discovering that the driver didn’t actually kill their child. That doesn’t sound insensitive at all! For that matter, I’m sure there are a few spouses who might also protest at the idea that forgiveness means discovering that infidelity didn’t actually take place. In case it isn’t obvious, what Katie is describing is called a misunderstanding, and that doesn’t require forgiveness, merely clarification.
But what about the real definition? Okay, here you go. According to Dictionary.com, forgiveness is:
- to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.
- to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).
- to grant pardon to (a person).
- to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one’s enemies.
- to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.
The definition and connotation of forgiveness is all about the other person—the person who wronged you—and setting them free, absolving them, letting them off the hook, ceasing to feel anger (or bitterness or whatever the new demonized emotion is) towards that person.
I’m here to cry bullshit on the whole charade.
Forgiveness isn’t necessary for healing.
Forgiveness is not necessary to “move on.”
It’s not even necessary in order to feel compassion or love for someone.
It’s not necessarily healthy.
In fact, more often than not, in the instances when forgiveness is prescribed (severe betrayal, severe hurt/abuse, severe tragedy, severe trauma), it’s actually harmful to the person needing to heal. There’s a reason why anger is listed as one of the main steps in grief—it’s important! Getting angry, feeling sad, holding someone else accountable, they’re all part of “moving on.”
What does a statement like “you just need to forgive” do? It heaps more guilt on the person who is experiencing those emotions—those necessary emotions—by making them feel like they’re wrong or unhealthy or weak for experiencing them. In other words, it’s blaming the victim, encouraging them to ignore their own needs and cater to another person’s desires.
It denies the mind’s natural way of healing itself.
You don’t get past the anger by suppressing it. You don’t move through grief by denying it. The only way to get through those difficult aspects of healing is by claiming the right to feel them.
And the only reason why forgiveness sounds so “positive” to us is because we have this fucking stigma about the shadow emotions being “negative” (which I discussed briefly here). We as a society don’t know how to handle those intense emotions, so we distance ourselves from them. And when someone else is experiencing them, we prescribe “forgiveness” as the fix-all that allows us to sound helpful without actually doing anything to help. If we move past the idea that shadow emotions are negative, suddenly the need to forgive by letting go of those emotions is non-existent, along with the need to distance ourselves from those emotions.
Does forgiveness ever have a place?
Maybe.
I’m an open-minded person and willing to consider that forgiveness really does have a legitimate purpose somewhere buried underneath all the bullshit–that it can potentially be a healthy byproduct of healing in some circumstances. But I’d be more than willing to bet that, in those instances, the forgiveness happens fairly naturally.
In the instances where the hurt is bigger and the problems larger, i.e. whenever forgiveness takes up focus, it should be up to the individual to decide if that is something they need or even want. It should be up to the individual to decide if the relationship is worth the work of restoration or if it’s safe to continue with that relationship. Moreover, it shouldn’t ever be the goal. Healing should be the goal, whether or not it includes forgiveness.
And without a genuine apology for the pain and damage caused and change to avoid repeating it, I don’t think forgiveness is either possible or healthy. Healing comes in those instances by learning to set boundaries, take a stand for your own needs, and hold the other person culpable for their actions, not by giving a blank check to someone who repeatedly hurts you.
I think it’s high time we forgive ourselves this absurd expectation that we should always forgive. It’s time to allow ourselves to recognize that healing isn’t about forgiving the other person; it’s about listening to ourselves.
I do a lot of work with radical forgiveness. I would have to say that forgiveness is not about forgetting, is not about denial and does not happen as a result of being fed pablum about forgiveness from other people. True forgiveness does not involve the person who has wronged us. True forgiveness is the ability to release anger and resentment so that our trauma no longer defines us. But, everyone has their own experience and their own ways of coping.
Thanks for a thought-provoking post!
Thank you for reading. I can respect others having a different understanding and experience with this tricky topic. There are probably some who need to seek out a version of forgiveness, then there are some that really need to be given the freedom to not seek forgiveness. Obviously, I’m in the latter group.
I’m glad it provoked thought. That’s all I can ask of any post to do. Namaste.
I was working on embracing rather than repressing my anger, and what I found was that there were so many things that I felt enraged about – environment, personal, political, etc. that all that ended up happening was I became stuck in a perpetual state of rage that was completely off-putting to people close to me. It was also wearing down my body, and I felt like I had less energy, felt sicker, and for sure less enthusiasm about life, and started to feel extremely depressed. To be honest, the thing that knocked me out of it was re-watching “the Secret,” and remembering that my emotions are frequencies that I can consciously play with in order to alter the functioning of my body, and also effect my relationship with the world around me. After that I started to engage in what I would call healthy denial, where I choose to cultivate wholesome positive emotions, and acknowledge but definitely downplay or release negative situations I have no additional control over. I think where the “forgiveness” aspect comes in, is where I put myself in the person’s place who wronged me, and see how different factors might have contributed to their becoming the negative influence they were in my life, and then making sure I minimize or remove their presence so I can maintain my health. I then focus on general societal conditions that need changing, which would help to make us all emotionally healthier, and try to contribute to those, to prevent this harm from perpetuating. I’d like to practice and maybe some day teach conscious communication, so that we have less “minor” understandings that can turn into major wounds. There are definitely people I cringe to think about in my life, but I try my best to own what projections there are there, and then to try to achieve a state of neutrality so I don’t continue to let their sad, foul behavior effect me any longer. Sometimes what Byron Katie says frustrates me too, but I think coming from the perspective of no occurrence being “good” or “bad” just “what is” – a sensation, a passing phenomenon to be observed by our transcendent “Observer” Self, I can see what she means. That’s more in regards to the meditative state of “non-clinging” to these passing sensations. This is a tricky subject we all struggle with, but I hope we can strike a balance to neither repress, or exaggerate, our “negative” (in the sense of having a harmful effect on our bodies) emotions, just to use them where they are effective and to try our best to cultivate a foundation of balanced and relatively joyful (and compassionate) non-attachment.
I don’t follow you here.
I have worked through my anger and resentment, but the trauma still plays a large role in my life. It’s not anger that is ruling me. It’s the triggers — all leftover bits from the trauma — that are physiological and psychological in origin. How does forgiveness play into this? If I have any anger, it’s anger that because of what happened to me, I have these effects that influence my behavior — all unconscious — and no matter how much I catalog them and try to work them out of my system, they never truly go away. Forgive is a verb that requires a subject for which the verb can act upon. So I forgive, then what am I forgiving? You say it is about letting go of your anger and resentment, but isn’t that just working through it in a natural healing process? How is that forgiveness? What is the forgiveness acting upon?
I don’t mean to be pedantic, I just want to understand what you mean by your definition of forgiveness, for I’ve never heard it used that way before ever.
I have no idea what forgiveness is. I don’t think it’s part of my vocabulary. I’m more on the elephant side
Great post
haha! Thanks for reading!
Renee Hampshire Thank you for writing the truth. Rape can never be forgiven, especially when it was a true friend, at one time, and trusted..no, I did not forgive. Then there was the murder of my only sister, the man got away with it because we didn’t want a re-trial because they “Violated his rights in the trial” My sister’s death and he was charged with manslaughter, had put it behind me, and then 4 years later his case was re-opened due to the lovely Fla. state law..because the state didn’t charge him with another crime, like, umm, let’s see, leaving the state for 2 days, and not calling 911 after he “accidentally killed her” defense??? No, I will never forgive that man, in fact I will probably be in the news someday for killing him, and getting charged with first degree murder for defending my dead murdered sisters honor, as all he is now free, and charges were dropped doen to “Felony Assault” and I am expecting my sis to walk through the door?? n, she’s dead, and he gets off probation on May22, 2013, happens to be the same date that me and my wife got hitched..so, no I will never forgive people that assaulted me, raped me, or murdered my best fiend and sister and got away with it and still he blames everyone else for what he did… See you in the news someday! (I hope I do not have to represent all of murder victims, with all the nuts out there, I truly don’y want to be known as some whacko killer on the news, but of a woman defending my dead sisters’ honor with a once convicted murderer that got aay with it! Much Love!! (Am a true sister and family!)
I’m so sorry for the pain that you’ve been through, first with your rape and then with your sister’s death. It is totally understandable that you wouldn’t forgive the people who were behind that. But I am not trying to condone murder or revenge in return. I don’t believe that violence in return for violence is an effective solution or a means of healing. I can’t imagine the grief that you must be experiencing through this, and all of those emotions, anger included, are okay to feel. But acting on them in a way that perpetuates violence will only hurt you more. I encourage you to seek out a therapist to help you process. Mine has certainly been a huge help to me in working through my trauma.
I definitely agree that therapy would help as far as wanting to harm the man that took my sisters’ life. I will get over it in time, it’s a big ‘IT”. Sometimes it’s good to rant, that’s all I was doing is sharing my experience with a hard emotional outburst. I wouldn’t ever take another’s life, I felt good saying it. I have had therapy in the past for PTSD and know how to control my anger,etc. I just love your topic and feel it’s healthy to rant and share my issues if only to help someone else to know that they are not alone! Thanks so much for your great writings and sharing your personal thoughts. Hugs to everyone that has experienced trauma..We are not alone.
I’m glad to hear you’ve been to a therapist. I don’t think any trauma survivor should have to go through the aftermath alone. And ranting is indeed healthy. I understand the rage and often find a good outlet through my writing (and in my angry-girl music). Thank you for reading and sharing. <3 and light to you.
Thank you for this. I really needed to hear this.
I’ve had a lot of issues with people telling me that I need to forgive and it’ll help me in my healing. But the people they say I need to forgive and let them be are family members who said to me directly that my trauma was a dream. I’ve been hung up on the whole idea of just forgiving them for that for years now. How can I? I’m the one that has to live with the trauma, and when I needed them the most, they call it a dream? They don’t want to talk about it, or anything? And then, if I try to explain that some things are hurtful or triggering, they forget or they do it anyway, and then expect me to act in ways that make them more comfortable? It happened to me not them. I have to live with the horrible aftereffects, and they do not. Is it wrong of me to ask them to not do triggering behaviors? How can I forgive if their words and actions show me that they still don’t really take it seriously, and still don’t want to take responsibility for how much they hurt me?
Yours words have given me a lot of food for thought. A lot. Thank you for that.
You have every right to be angry with them for being so callous to your pain. It’s sad that the need to preserve a lie of functionality is more important to them than hearing and accepting what happened to you. That’s a betrayal almost as bad as the initial one. May you find help and healing with those who support you and find ways of establishing boundaries with those who hurt you.
Interesting post. I would agree with you partially because some of what you say is true. Forgiveness is not about blindly making yourself vulnerable to a person who has wronged you. Unfortunately, you didn’t really articulate what forgiveness really is. In the end you take the Dictionary definition of forgiveness to mean that its all about the other person and you major take-away from this is that healing is about listening to ourselves. I’m sorry, but listening to yourself will not right the wrong any more than forgiving the person will, and you are not “healed” if your life is poisoned by hatred and anger over someone who has done you wrong.
Also, forgiveness is not all about the other person. In fact, the wrongdoer doesn’t even need to be present in order for forgiveness to happen.
All I have to say is that I am glad that God forgave me when I was His enemy. Without His divine forgiveness, my life would be a pointless waste. How can I possibly hold anything against another, when God himself sent his perfect son to die for those who made God their enemy? I would be a glaring hypocrite to do so! Jesus never said there shouldn’t be consequences for wrong actions…quite the contrary. But he also said that God is the Judge; not us.
I don’t define forgiveness because I think it’s important for people to question its validity to its very foundation. I don’t think forgiveness is necessary to healing and, therefore, see no need to define it at this point. If I did define it, people would read that as yet another prescription for how forgiveness should be pursued. I just think we should stop pursuing it.
I actually don’t think anger or hatred are inherently poisoning to any life. They are emotions, and as such, I believe they are entirely healthy and okay to experience. There are unhealthy ways of expressing and dealing with them, but those aren’t nearly the only ways of expressing them. I would be very concerned about my mental health if I didn’t feel anger towards someone who hurt an innocent person or child. If harmed one happens to be myself, it would be a gross betrayal to deny myself what I would consider entirely moral and natural to feel if the person being harmed were someone else. Giving myself space to experience those emotions has been a very big part of my healing. Learning to love and listen to myself has been equally part of my healing. I don’t think healing and “righting a wrong” are the same. Sometimes there is nothing that can right what’s been done. Healing is about restoring health, whether mental or physical, and wholeness, including emotional wholeness.
I’m sure you’ve already figured out how I feel about forgiveness based on religion or divinity since it was one of my points, so I’ll not waste time repeating myself.
But I think you’ll discover that I’m not very fond of the Christian God. I find him morally reprehensible, narcissistic, and abusive. I respect that Christianity works for you, but I can’t share in your joy or your belief that God is the epitome of forgiveness and judgment.
I am very sorry that the circumstances you have been through have caused you to feel this way. Though I have not experienced your specific heartache, I have had heartbreaks of my own. I ache for you, especially since your circumstances have caused you to turn away from God instead of towards Him. That is sad. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to bear life’s issues with nothing but your own thoughts for comfort. I know I almost went crazy after losing my wife the way it happened.
Logic-wise the main issue I have with your worldview is how you interpret God’s actions. It is a tragic mistake to interpret God’s actions as morally wrong. You can not logically say that you believe in God, and then say that God does things that are not morally right. If you believe in God, then you also must believe that it is God who defines what is morally right and wrong. If you don’t believe that God defines what is right and wrong, then you don’t believe in God…you believe in something else. You cannot call anything God does wrong because He is the one who defines what is right and wrong.
Also, you label God as a terrible wrong-doer because of what He allows to happen in the world, but you ignore the fact that it is sin that caused the problem in the first place. God created two perfect people in a perfect world, and the only reason bad things happen is because humanity rebelled against their perfect God.
Lastly, please consider that, while God does allow bad to happen, He also works everything together for good. The big picture is all about God, and how awesome He is. Everyone’s story from Adam to the last person that ever will live fits together to glorify Him. He is worthy of praise!
I sincerely hope you find healing (maybe you already have to a point. I’m not trying to presume.) But if you are still hurting, I would suggest that the answer is to turn towards God instead of away from him. The children of Israel in the Old Testament had the same problem over and over again. Turning away from God only got them in worse and worse situations until they finally repented and God sent their deliverance. Good luck my friend. I will pray for you.
You assume that I believe in the Christian God. I do not have to believe in that god to find the actions attributed to him reprehensible.
There’s also the belief of “An eye for an eye” that is written in the word, do you stand by that belief of the written word? Just curious. :^)
I think you need to go back and read that passage in Matthew, because the whole point of it is that Jesus doesn’t stand by that belief either
According to that very passage Jesus says that He does not support revenge or even hatred.
That’s all and good for you. I have no belief in the christian God, as Man wrote the bibles and therefore it’s not God’s word to me. I am a woman and would have no place in a woman hating bible of man’s word.
I believe in love and kindness, and not judgement of man, or the bible.
Religion is for people that need a belief in something higher than them, it keeps you from going insane. I am spiritual, not man made books to tell me I am some kind of sinner.
amazing, as always… in particular:
“…consider that forgiveness really does have a legitimate purpose somewhere buried underneath all the bullshit–that it can potentially be a healthy byproduct of healing in some circumstances. But I’d be more than willing to bet that, in those instances, the forgiveness happens fairly naturally.” and:
“…it should be up to the individual to decide if that is something they need or even want…. Moreover, it shouldn’t ever be the goal. Healing should be the goal, whether or not it includes forgiveness.”
you. nailed. it. (IMO)
xoxo
Thank you.
Seems like you have a lot be angry about and rightfully so. As someone who has been studying the psychological process of forgiveness for over 25 years, I know that there are many misconceptions about forgiveness which leads to a lot of confusion. You bring up a lot of these misconceptions in your blog. As you correctly state, forgiveness is not forgetting. How could forget that they were sexually abused or forget that they lost a loved one in a drunk driving accident. Forgiveness is not forgetting. In fact it is the opposite. One has to remember what happened in order to forgive. I also have problems when religion orders us to forgive and forgiveness immediately. Forgiveness is a choice that one makes when he or she is ready. No one should be forced to forgive. It also does not occur immediately for most people. Forgiveness is a process that takes time. Check out Enright et al’s (1991) process model of forgiveness. It started off with 17 units and now has 20. I worked with incest survivors educating them about the process of forgiveness and it took on average 14.3 months for them to forgive in individual education sessions.
I have never heard of the idea that “True forgiveness is when you can say thank you for the experience”. I do believe that after forgiving one may be changed in certain ways as a result of the experience and the forgiveness process but that does not mean one is thankful for the experience. Check out Rabbi Harold Kushner’s book, “When Bad Things Happen to Good People”.
Forgiveness is not denial as well. As mentioned above, prior to forgiving, the injured has to admit she was hurt and how the hurt negatively affected her. One cannot forgive if in denial about what happened.
Never use the dictionary definition for psychological processes. Forgiveness can simply be defined as a gradual decrease in negative thoughts, feelings and behaviors toward the offender and perhaps, over time, a gradual increase in positive thoughts, feelings and behaviors toward the offender. Although this increase in the positive does not have to occur in order for one to forgive. Forgiveness is not the same as pardoning. One forgives personally, while pardon occurs publicly. Forgiveness does not mean to cancel a debt. One can forgive personally and bring the offender to justice and expect to be compensated for one’s hurt. Forgiveness is to cease to feel resentment.
You are right that anger is important. After being hurt one has a right to be angry. In fact, anger is the second unit in Enright et al’s model of forgiveness. The problem in society today is that there are a lot of angry people who are not validated for their anger. Incest survivors have a right to be really angry but can work through their anger so it does not affect one’s life. I agree with you that anger is a normal and natural emotion and it is what we do with our anger that is positive or negative. However, after awhile anger gets old and tiring. Forgiveness allows us to work through our anger and come out stronger in the end. The first phase in Enright et al’s model is working through all the feelings associated with injury before making the decision to forgive. Forgiveness does not mean that we don’t express emotions including anger.
You are also right that forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. Forgiveness is something that the person who was injured can do on his or her own without any response from the offender. Thus, one can forgive without an apology. Making an apology a requirement of forgiveness actually can reinjure the person who was hurt. As we know many offenders do not apologize or even admit to the injury. Thus, saying that an apology is necessary for forgiveness leaves many injured people trapped waiting for a response from the offender that will never come. However, an apology is necessary for reconciliation to occur. One would not want to enter into a relationship with someone who has hurt him or her without receiving an apology and/or admittance of wrongdoing as well as a promise that the hurt won’t occur again. You are correct that forgiveness means to hold the other person accountable and responsible for one’s actions. It does not mean to allow someone to hurt us again. I also think you need to be careful when talking about forgiving oneself. Forgiveness occurs in the context of deep, personal, and unfair hurt. In the book, “The Courage to Heal, the authors, Laura Davis and Ellen Bass, said that the only person the sexual abuse survivor needed to forgive was herself. My response to that is “what for?” What did the survivor do wrong? Who did she hurt? If she abused someone else then, yes, she does not to forgive herself. But she does not need to forgive herself for her body responding normally and naturally to a touch that is supposed to feel good. She needs to be “accept” the way her body responded. Please be careful when you use the term, “forgive yourself” If you are interested in learning more about the psychological process of forgiveness rather than the dictionary definition, check out the book, Forgiveness is a Choice by Robert Enright (2001) and The Art of Forgiving (1996), although this last book has a Christian bent. It has tons of great examples and is very easy to read. I also recommend research articles by Freedman and Enright. Good luck in your journey. You are right that forgiveness is a choice. Research has shown that forgiveness is healing in many different populations who have experienced deep hurt and that forgiveness leads to decreases in anger, anxiety, depression, resentment, and increases in hope and self-esteem.
Hmm I don’t agree with the assessment of emotions as negative. And you may find that what you are describing as forgiveness I would term something else, like healing. The lessening of the intrusiveness of the trauma on one’s life can happen without forgiveness.
I used the phrase “forgive yourself” in a very specific context of letting ourselves off the hook of feeling obliged to forgive. While I appreciate your concern, I would hope you wouldn’t put words in my mouth. I also think the context of the courage to heal quote was more along the lines of releasing yourself from the unfair blame you may have put on yourself as a coping mechanism, but I can understand where you might feel upset about the way it was presented in the book. I actually think what that book said about forgiveness of the abuser was very good. For some it happens; for others it doesn’t. Either way, the person’s personal process of healing is okay.
Again, we need to be careful. Forgiveness does not mean letting one off the hook. Forgiveness is about holding the offender accountable and responsible for his or her actions. Also, one can forgive while justice occurs. Interesting, that what I call forgiveness, you call “healing”. Seems like it is semantics to me. We both agree that what I describe can be healing. I label it as forgiveness but you don’t want to do that based on what else forgiveness has been confused with. I can respect that.
I don’t think you understood what I meant. There is no need for the victim to forgive themselves; however, many victims have placed quite a bit of blame on themselves for one reason or another. Even though they are not at fault for any of their abuse and not guilty in any way, they may feel the need to “forgive” themselves, as in remove the false blame they placed on themselves. But point well-made. I was trying to clarify my take on “The Courage to Heal” comment on forgiving oneself, but to be honest, I don’t even like that use of forgiveness (outside of as a rhetorical device, which I used one time in my post) because, as we can see, the word is so muddied and laden with many potentially triggering or offensive connotations and meanings. That is why I don’t attempt to reclaim it with a version of my own palatable definition. There are too many ways that it’s been used as a weapon against victims that its very use can kick up a lot of old stories that victims don’t need to have running around in their heads. Rather than constantly trying to correct misconceptions and take care in our use, I say fuck forgiveness, change our vocabulary, and focus on healing. Ultimately we get to the same place, but without all the b.s. trailing along behind.
I like that “fuck forgiveness” I have a total whatever anyone calls “Normal functioning life” I put it in my files and sometimes pull them out and toy with them each trauma is mine, and I will let someone in or not, it’s totally my choice whether I share, go to therapy, or just simply move on to something else be it Labyrinths, writings, etc.. Not religious here, maybe spiritual if you call it that. Anyways, we as individuals deal with grief/and or forgiveness differently an it is our own choice, noone else’s to judge or say “You need therapy” we are not robots or in some matrix, so freedom of thought isn’t free yet, but freedom of seech is, I find that humorous.
There is something left out here. The root of this article sounds like an excuse not to forgive ONESELF for the resentment or anger one harbors over others. Hanging onto that emotion seems to validate one’s feelings and give one power over the negative experience, but it is based in ego. Ego is not based in spiritual truth. Forgiving oneself is allowing oneself to be human, to embrace the hurt as a valid emotion, and to deal with it with grace. But hey, that’s just my own experience. I don’t see it as bullshit, because it has allowed me to evolve with perspectives that I may not have been able to appreciate otherwise.
I don’t think anger is something someone needs to forgive themselves for. If anything, I think we need to forgive ourselves for not allowing ourselves to experience anger. Suppressed emotion is horribly unhealthy, both psychologically and physically. I could easily argue that it is ego and superego that tell us we cannot have our emotions because of the stigma society places on them.
You misunderstand me. You seem to equate forgiving oneself for anger with ignoring that anger, when in fact I’m saying that forgiving is acceptance of that anger and letting go of what doesn’t serve you well. Does anger serve anyone well? Harboring bitterness doesn’t sound like a winning strategy to me. If forgiveness is bullshit, is mercy, tolerance and compassion also bullshit? It’s all a process that is connected. But hey, rage on it of suits you.
Anger serves many people well when given the space it needs to be experienced. It has often been the catalyst for setting boundaries, defending the innocent, standing up for right, making needed changes, etc. Even Jesus got angry. I feel terribly sorry for anyone who cuts themselves off from the health of natural emotion. It is that aversion to sitting with our emotions that leads to such violent outbursts, imo. But thank you for reading my blog. Even though we disagree, I respect the interaction.
Forgiveness isn’t a one-way street. The person who wronged you MUST repent, seek you out, and try to make amends. If the person is never sorry for what they did, you have no reason to forgive them. Repentance on their part comes first. Then, over time, it’s your decision to try and forgive.
If what you mean by “forgiveness” is letting someone off the hook, then I agree forgiveness should not be the goal. Healing should be the goal. It’s about preventing someone else’s actions from poisoning your life. It’s about moving forward rather than looking back. Injustice exists, and at some point we need to come to terms with that, or we’ll destroy our own chances for happiness. That doesn’t mean we don’t *seek* justice. But as long as we *nurture* the anger and resentment, we allow the person who harmed us to have power over our lives. We have the absolute right to experience our emotions, but we also have the right to move on.
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!
As a survivor of severe physical, sexual, and psychological child abuse, I’ve always been infuriated by the incessant platitude that I MUST for give “to heal,” or (even worse) “for [my] own sake.” I could never articulate why, though, usually simply excusing myself, or if pressed, pointing out that my own mother held me down to be raped when I was all of 11 years old, and asking “could YOU forgive something like that?” I got so many “I would try”s (which always struck me more defensive than honest) that I recently spent a full 18 months wrestling with my inability to do so and trying to force it before I finally, passively took to telling people “that’s just not where I am right now.”
Thank you for setting me free from that bullshit!
In addition to bookmarking, sharing the article on Facebook and creating a WordPress account so I could comment, I’ve saved it as a document on my computer and printed it off to take to my psychologist. I sincerely hope that last bit doesn’t violate your copyright policy; I assure you I have no intention to distribute. I just want my doctor to read it.
Oh I am so so sorry for the pain you’ve been through. I’ll give you the honest answer you deserve. No I wouldn’t be able to forgive something like that and I wouldn’t even try. I’m glad this post has helped you free yourself from that burden. Of course you can take the article to your therapist. May you continue to heal in the manner that you need and continue to stand in your truth no matter what anyone else thinks your process should be. <3
I am going to just say thank you. Thank you very much for writing this.
You are most welcome. Thank you for reading.
In regards to anger, I used to work in Citizen Action, a leftie community organizing non-profit. Our director often said than in order to be an activist for social change one needs to have a constant slow-burning anger.
I would add, though, that there is a difference between the motivating anger of the activist and the sometimes paralyzing anger of the survivor.
In the end, everyone needs to find a way to deal with their personal trauma, hopefully in a way that allows the individual to have a life that exists beyond the trauma. For some, forgiveness is a way to make that happen. Other people may have other methods. The question I would ask is what are those other methods? Can one simply compartmentalize one’s experiences to the point they can live a decent life? Can one use one’s anger as a motivator to achieve happiness (the best revenge is a life well-lived)? What are ways of getting past trauma that don’t involve some level of forgiveness? What has worked for you, or for people you know?
I think anger, like sorrow, can initially be incredibly intense following trauma. When I was grieving a while back, I felt afraid that if I started crying I wouldn’t stop. But eventually, when I wasn’t trying to suppress my sorrow, my body decided when it had had enough and rested. Emotions are not bottomless, even though they may feel that way. Anger is our warning light. It goes off when something crosses a boundary. If we listen to our anger, allow ourselves to experience it, and use it to make the changes that are needed in our lives (set boundaries, make a new start, whatever is needed). I haven’t personally compartmentalized my life. Rather I’m integrating the scars of my trauma into my whole being, embracing my shadow emotions as well as my positive ones, and focusing on wholeness. I don’t think a lack of forgiveness means that people automatically desire revenge. I do not wish ill on my abusers, nor do I want to hurt them in return. I merely cannot excuse their actions and do not consider it healthy to cut out the natural emotions that my trauma produces. Anger can be a motivator to build a better life, but I think that “better life” includes all of the emotions. As I give my emotions room to run their natural course and take the necessary measures to meet my needs (whether by setting boundaries, moving, caring for myself, learning to love myself, etc.) my emotions will eventually balance out.
That’s brilliant, and seems really logical and healthy. Thanks for taking the time to write it. Although I would say there is a semantics issue here. Many of us would define exactly the process you describe here as the true process of forgiveness.
I have come across a few people where the difference is entirely semantics, and I can accept that they view that process as forgiveness while I view it as healing. Coming out of an abusive system where forgiveness is the primary weapon for perpetuating more abuse, I just have too many negative associations with forgiveness to try to reclaim it.
Yes – the cycle of apology and forgiveness in abuse is a good example of the kind of forgiveness that only perpetuates more hurt. So true!
This article is bullshit. To say forgiveness is bullshit is to say Christ’s whole mission was bullshit. Perhaps that’s the underlying motive for writing it. Forgive me if I’m wrong… or not.
I’m sorry that you feel that way. I respect many things that Jesus taught, but if you assume that my disagreement with his stance on forgiveness means that I am rejecting everything he said, I can’t do anything to change your mind. Namaste.
Christ was supposed to be God. I’m not, neither is the author, and neither are you. Tell me, did you even bother to read the whole thing?
Well, This article was about forgiveness and for some reason people have been writing their beliefs in religion. Forgiveness is about emotional healing, and somehow religion is trying to be “Sold” and I really do not appreciate religios people trying to force their opinions on here, but what to be expected..You religious people are always knocking on my door, why? If I wanted to go to “Church” I would. Please respect the article about “forgiveness” and try and keep your religious commune like opinions to a “Religious Blog” People always try and force others to think the way they do with religious B.S.. All the preachers and orthodoxed priests are the one’s that have been either ex-drug addicts, or child pedifiles/rapists, so no, I do not hold a high regard nor respect for any religious folk….they are the ones that always have something to hide, and are quick to say we should convert to their religious views..Hmmm ..the article is purely a helping hand for thoughs that have had traumas in their life and forgiveness as an option. There are millions, maybe trillions of ways to go about forgiveness, and any man written bible and or best sellers and re- written to be english beliefs kind od turns me away, as far as any religious people, it’s none of your business what or when or how I believe. You can talk all your man written religious non-sense that makes no sense, and that was re- written to english, and not go insane, that’s what it’s for, “The Bible” to keep you brainwashed and to not go insane and makes no sense in the REAL WORLD Of THE HERE AND NOW in reality…Forgiveness is a chice and we all have that right, so go fuck yourself bible thumping B.S’rs your the one’s that put christ on the cross, and yet yu wear yur cross around your neck, and point fingers..yur the one that killed christ and you try to brain wash people, just like your brain washed..Do your creepy molesting somewhere else. Yes, you Christians, Catholics are all in church praying and trying not to “Rape others” you need to stay in church and pray as you feel you are sinners. good riddens..Forgiveness of rape and drug abuse,etc, then becoming priests and preachers, I know all about all of you with your Re- born christians, yes you sin..no forgiveness and let others live their innocent lives!
Excuse me, but when did I try to force my religion on you? I’m not even Christian, so you look like an idiot now.
I think she meant it to be in reply to the same person you were replying to . . .
Are you sure? The email notice said it was to me.
Pretty sure. The commenting system can be a bit confusing, and there was an earlier one that was a bit out of place but that I was able to connect to something else by content alone. I almost tried to edit it to be a reply to the original comment but I don’t like editing other people’s posts even for clarification so I left it. But there’s no reason for anyone to attack you and I wouldn’t approve any comments that I thought were meant to attack you.
OK, then. Sorry for the confusion.
It’s all good.
correct ty!
I’m soo sorry my comment was not directed at Mama what so ever! Sry Mama if You thought that.
I think that you make a really good point about people who push forgiveness as a task on other people. Usually it is about their own agenda. They are uncomfortable with the anger/pain/grief etc. and by convincing folks to ‘forgive’ they can avoid the discomfort.
I will say that there comes a point at which we need to decide how much power a trauma/person is going to continue to have in our lives. If we are obsessed with revenge fantasies, or fearful of living in case we meet that person, then we have work to do. That work may, or may not include forgiveness. That work may or may not include letting loose the rage so we are empty for a moment and can fill the void with something other.
There are no easy answers, no easy solutions, no magic wand that will take away pain and scars. But if we are willing to work at the difficulty of life, life becomes possible.
First, I want to thank you for your comment. When I saw the word “pastor” at the beginning of your name, I thought, “oh boy, here we go again.” I’ve had few positive interactions with pastors and many abusive ones. Finding a pastor who comes at this topic with sensitivity and reason has been kind of like searching for a mythical creature. I truly appreciate the way you have spoken with understanding of the complexity of healing from deep pain and the respect you show for the wounded.
Second, I agree that healing is going to involve removing the power of the abuser from the life of the victim, and I appreciate that you don’t equate that with forgiveness necessarily. There are many people who assume that a lack of forgiveness automatically means a desire for revenge. I like that you recognize there is a distinction between feeling anger over what happened and desiring to hurt the other person in return. I support embracing anger and letting it run its course. I don’t support violence as payment for violence.
I had a feeling that I had to forgive many guys. Even my own parents for mental abuse. I should’ve been the nice girl.
Finding out I can never forgive anyone my mind pushes all the abusers and the stories deep into my subconsciousness. Talking about it with a therapist just opens the wounds again. I’ve learned to never forgive and forget. It’s the darkness inside I’ll carry all my life. Better show anger and sadness and get through it as you feel is right than listen to those forgiveness bullshit. Always said by people who weren’t wronged btw.
I think anybody telling anyone what they MUST do to heal is harmful.
I have personally always had a problem with forgiveness because it seems in most cases, the perpetrator has faced no accusations or penalties. In these instances, forgiveness feels a lot like complicity or permission to do it again.
But not everyone is talking about personal horrors when talking about forgiveness. Sometimes they are just misunderstandings and grudges. I would guess that is what the Katie quote is about.
I think *prescribing* forgiveness is more harm than help. I know an amazing number of people who, when somebody says “I forgive you” hear “It’s all your fault.” instead, because of being pushed to forgive when it’s not appropriate, not what they feel, not what the other person feels – or being ever so magnanimously forgiven when they don’t feel guilty, didn’t think they’d done anything wrong to warrant needing forgiveness.
Spiritually speaking, Forgiveness is a very powerful thing for a burdened person to receive, but to teach it as a doctrine to those not already burdened mostly just teaches them a list of things to START feeling guilty about, whether or not that’s actually appropriate.
In my experience, forgiveness IS for the person who believes they have done wrong *and feel guilty*, but the point is NOT that, as a person who has been wronged, I have an obligation to absolve them of their responsibility to me – on the contrary, I’m only going to forgive them when any responsibility to me has been fulfilled to the best of their ability. The real point of forgiveness, as far as I’m concerned, is that a person who feels terribly guilty for something they can’t fix, have already done their best to resolve, or especially that isn’t particularly harmful in the first place, deserves to move on with their life not eternally burdened with that guilt and shame.
As a wronged person, I can only forgive when I am assured that the harm in my past is not going to occur again in the future from the same source. But more to the point, I can’t relieve a burden the other person never felt in the first place. There’s nothing TO forgive if they don’t feel guilty or ashamed, or otherwise repentant. Forgiveness is a response to someone else’s repentance, not a response to my own pain.
Do I find it useful to let go of long-term anger and resentment and move on with my life rather than continuing to dwell on past hurts that are no longer also in my future? Sure. I have a use for that meaning of “forgive” – the meaning of “move on”. Forgetting, however, is not on the table, ever.
–Ember–
I think it is important to remember that in this context forgiveness does not include or involve the person who wronged you. Forgiveness, in this context, is the process of releasing anger and, in a way, forgiving the Universe for the fact that something terrible has happened. Forgiving an abuser, a rapist or a murderer would not necessarily involve communicating with or even thinking about the person who committed the heinous act.
This works for some people, although I am sure not all.
Actually, I think I worded that poorly. Often the concept of forgiveness as a part of healing (which I agree should never be foisted upon someone) is forgiving that the terrible thing happened – not necessarily forgiving the perpetrator of the terrible thing.
On another hand, sometimes finding compassion for a perpatrator is helpful – to understand that a person who commited a terrible wrong is plagued by more issues than I am is often a helpful mechanism for me.
I hadn’t forgotten it, but I think the shift is context is part of the issue. My understanding (as a non-Christian who studies Theology) is that the Christian doctrine of forgiveness is focused on the forgiven, not on the one doing the forgiving – GOD is doing the forgiving, and the point of it is that we’re not to be burdened forever for temporary wrongs.
Turning that around into an obligation for individual humans to let go of their anger may be useful for them, and even for society, but it’s not, to my understanding, the original point, and shifting it that way places an undue burden on the victim.
-E-
Hmmm…I am not a practicing Christian but was raised in a leftie Christian environment. The two examples of forgiveness I can think of would be the Lord’s Prayer – “Forgive us our tresspasses as we forgive those who tresspass against us” and the crucifixion “Forgive them for they know not what they do.” I never thought about it in the context you mention, although I think your point it good. I saw the Lord’s Prayer as a commitment we make to forgive others, and I saw the crucifixion as the example of behavior we should emulate.
On the other hand I always thought about God’s forgiveness as a bit of a problem – when taken to an extreme it seems to cause bad behavior – since God will forgive us anyway.
I was raised to believe forgiveness of each other was a primary Christian value – that to be Christ-like we must forgive one another. To be honest even though I am not now Christian it is one of the Christian doctrines I like most.
[...] suppose if you weren’t shocked about my previous post, you won’t be shocked to learn that I’ve come to see anger as healthy. I lost count of how many [...]
Thank-you for your interpretation of anger and forgiveness. I have felt like such a failure because I remain angry and attempt forgiveness daily without much success. I pray for peace in a new life apart from my abusive relationship but struggle with the entire “letting go” process. 12-step meetings, therapy, and prayer offer little balm. Yours is the first voice to allow me my emotions without guilt for doing something “wrong”.
I’m glad I was able to offer some hope. I wish you healing free from false guilt. I wouldn’t give up on therapy. Keep looking for someone who validates your process and feelings. They’re out there.
I understand where you’re coming from. You’re dealing with trite sayings that are meant for lesser infractions as well as some spiritually abusive phrases there. How I understand forgiveness is that it cannot be given unless it’s asked for. “Forgiving” someone simply means being in a place where you can forgive them (reaching a point of healing). Within Protestant/Evangelical thought, forgiveness is available but cannot be given until it is requested. Forgiveness can be healthy when it comes with healing and is decidedly unhealthy when one is pressured into it.
”We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.” Martin Luther King, Jr.
Quotes can indeed be inspiring, but as much as I respect MLK Jr., I disagree with his Christianized view of forgiveness. I find it perfectly possible to love without forgiveness. It’s also possible to forgive without loving. The two are not synonymous, even if MLK thought they were.
Love the MLK quote!
True. It is possible to love with forgiving and forgive without love. However, realizing that there is some bad in all of us and even some good in the worst of us, helps us see that all people are human beings who make make mistakes. When we realize that we are imperfect it is easier to forgive others for their hurtful actions. Although the more severe the hurt, the harder it is to forgive.
I have a hard time placing rape and abuse in the category of “mistakes.” Yes, we’re all capable of some measure of evil, but it takes more than mere capability to actually commit something so destructive to a person intentionally. Those things don’t accidentally happen. They are chosen with a tremendous absence of respect, compassion, and humanity.
Oh my.
[...] Working from that definition — that forgiveness equals reconciliation — I no longer believe that forgiveness is a blanket mandate. I no longer believe that I have to forgive everyone. Given that definition, I must agree with my friend when she says that forgiveness is bullshit. [...]
thank you.
You’re welcome.