Forgiveness is Bullshit

Please Note: I will no longer be approving comments that prescribe forgiveness to me or others or imply that we “just need to do it right.” I’ve already covered that extensively both in the main post itself and in the comments. Feel free to comment about your own personal experience (good or bad) with forgiveness, but keep your opinion about what others need to do to yourself. Thanks!

Wherever you find an intolerance for and avoidance of “negative emotion,” you are almost guaranteed to also find a “doctrine” of forgiveness. I cringe every time I hear forgiveness come up. For a while, my cringing was accompanied by guilt because I felt horrible that I would see such a “positive” action/attitude as repulsive. I could easily understand why I might feel repelled by the fundamentalist definition of forgiveness, but I didn’t understand why I was also disgusted by the more “liberal” definitions of forgiveness.

As I’ve taken the journey to reclaim my right to have my emotions, even the shadow ones, I’ve gained a bit of a better understanding of my hatred of the very idea of forgiveness.

Basically I’m here to say it’s all bullshit.

Yes, I know I’ve probably made many of you gasp and even branded myself in some minds as a “bitter person.”

That’s okay. If you don’t feel like reading on about how the idea and pressure to “forgive” can actually be harmful, you are free to stop reading here. But I guarantee there are going to be a good number of readers who sigh with relief at what I just said because, deep down, they feel that way too.

Why do I think forgiveness is bullshit? Before I answer that question, I want you to close your eyes and think about your best denotative definition for the word. Can you?

Well, let’s go over some of the popular quotes and quips about forgiveness. Then at the end, we’ll actually look at the dictionary definition and discuss that (now please don’t ruin things and look it up in the dictionary just yet).

  • “Forgive and forget”: I actually got this one a lot in fundamentalism. It’s a very convenient phrase for teaching children to suppress memories and accept repeated abuse. In fact, when I, as a teen, confided to a counselor at The Wilds Christian Camp that I couldn’t “forget” about my abuse and I was having a hard time “forgiving” the abuser as a result, I was told that as long as I never talked about it to anyone ever again and pushed the thoughts about the abuse out of my head whenever they intruded, I would be able to forgive, even if I didn’t officially forget. It should be pretty easy to see why equating forgiveness with amnesia of an event is bullshit. Stupidity is not a virtue.
  • “To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.” This little gem from C. S. Lewis is representative of another commonly repeated idea in fundamentalism. It doesn’t really define forgiveness, merely mandates it as a divine expectation, which can be just as bad as the definitions. I would actually classify this as spiritual/emotional abuse even without having a definition like the one above simply because of the way that such a divine mandate is wielded against the wounded to undercut their healing. It’s probably also the only idea off the top of my head that I would say Jesus should be ashamed of propogating with his “seventy times seven” statement in Matthew 18:22. . . unless of course, the translation effect fails to account for the possibility that at that time and in that period “forgiveness” wasn’t what we think of it as today.
  • “True forgiveness is when you can say, ‘Thank you for that experience.’” (Oprah) Bullshit should be so easy to find in this one. I can think of several experiences that I would NEVER thank someone for, my sexual abuse being the most prominent that comes to mind. In fact, if forgiveness is really finding the ability to be thankful for what someone else did to you that hurt you, I’d have to say that I’ve never forgiven anyone who wronged me, nor do I want to.
  • “Forgiveness has nothing to do with absolving a criminal of his crime. It has everything to do with relieving oneself of the burden of being a victim–letting go of the pain and transforming oneself from victim to survivor.” (C. R. Strahan) This is one that on the surface seems nicer. And there are a lot of variations on the idea of freeing or healing oneself through forgiveness. But my next question is, if forgiveness is not absolving someone, what is it? These types of phrases never give an alternative. And I’m sorry to break it to anyone who likes this definition, but it’s not in the real definition. “Absolving,” on the other hand, is. So the attempt to whitewash forgiveness into something entirely personal and not connected to the offending person is really just all BULLSHIT.
  • “Forgiveness is the discovery that what you thought happened, didn’t.” (Byron Katie) Bull-fucking-shit! I actually expected better from Byron Katie. I’ve heard a lot of good things about her and was horribly disappointed to find her propagating such a stupid definition of forgiveness. It’s just another form of the amnesia prescription of forgiveness, but with an even more sinister undertone. Instead of just forgetting it happened . . . it’s actually suggesting that it didn’t happen. Yes, let’s tell a grieving parent that forgiving a drunk driver who killed their child would mean discovering that the driver didn’t actually kill their child. That doesn’t sound insensitive at all! For that matter, I’m sure there are a few spouses who might also protest at the idea that forgiveness means discovering that infidelity didn’t actually take place. In case it isn’t obvious, what Katie is describing is called a misunderstanding, and that doesn’t require forgiveness, merely clarification.

But what about the real definition? Okay, here you go. According to Dictionary.com, forgiveness is:

  1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.
  2. to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).
  3. to grant pardon to (a person).
  4. to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one’s enemies.
  5. to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.

The definition and connotation of forgiveness is all about the other person—the person who wronged you—and setting them free, absolving them, letting them off the hook, ceasing to feel anger (or bitterness or whatever the new demonized emotion is) towards that person.

I’m here to cry bullshit on the whole charade.

Forgiveness isn’t necessary for healing.

Forgiveness is not necessary to “move on.”

It’s not even necessary in order to feel compassion or love for someone.

It’s not necessarily healthy.

In fact, more often than not, in the instances when forgiveness is prescribed (severe betrayal, severe hurt/abuse, severe tragedy, severe trauma), it’s actually harmful to the person needing to heal. There’s a reason why anger is listed as one of the main steps in grief—it’s important! Getting angry, feeling sad, holding someone else accountable, they’re all part of “moving on.”

What does a statement like “you just need to forgive” do? It heaps more guilt on the person who is experiencing those emotions—those necessary emotions—by making them feel like they’re wrong or unhealthy or weak for experiencing them. In other words, it’s blaming the victim, encouraging them to ignore their own needs and cater to another person’s desires.

It denies the mind’s natural way of healing itself.

You don’t get past the anger by suppressing it. You don’t move through grief by denying it. The only way to get through those difficult aspects of healing is by claiming the right to feel them.

And the only reason why forgiveness sounds so “positive” to us is because we have this fucking stigma about the shadow emotions being “negative” (which I discussed briefly here). We as a society don’t know how to handle those intense emotions, so we distance ourselves from them. And when someone else is experiencing them, we prescribe “forgiveness” as the fix-all that allows us to sound helpful without actually doing anything to help. If we move past the idea that shadow emotions are negative, suddenly the need to forgive by letting go of those emotions is non-existent, along with the need to distance ourselves from those emotions.

Does forgiveness ever have a place?

Maybe.

I’m an open-minded person and willing to consider that forgiveness really does have a legitimate purpose somewhere buried underneath all the bullshit–that it can potentially be a healthy  byproduct of healing in some circumstances. But I’d be more than willing to bet that, in those instances, the forgiveness happens fairly naturally.

In the instances where the hurt is bigger and the problems larger, i.e. whenever forgiveness takes up focus, it should be up to the individual to decide if that is something they need or even want.  It should be up to the individual to decide if the relationship is worth the work of restoration or if it’s safe to continue with that relationship. Moreover, it shouldn’t ever be the goal. Healing should be the goal, whether or not it includes forgiveness.

And without a genuine apology for the pain and damage caused and change to avoid repeating it, I don’t think forgiveness is either possible or healthy. Healing comes in those instances by learning to set boundaries, take a stand for your own needs, and hold the other person culpable for their actions, not by giving a blank check to someone who repeatedly hurts you.

I think it’s high time we forgive ourselves this absurd expectation that we should always forgive. It’s time to allow ourselves to recognize that healing isn’t about forgiving the other person; it’s about listening to ourselves.

334 thoughts on “Forgiveness is Bullshit

  1. Kim says:

    This piece is spot on and a refreshing deviation from the conventional viewpoint that forgiveness demonstrates strength. Sometimes I wonder if this mindset doesn’t, in some part, originate from the self-oriented desires of others to gain relief from providing more valuable support to victims. If you just forgive, then you can get over it – right? Then we can go about our usual business? So for those who constantly push forgiveness, it may be worth asking why you’re advising that. I’m not a religious person, but for those who are, read Luke 17:3. Even in some parts of the bible, there are conditions for forgiveness. Additionally, a recent piece published on biblestudytools.com warns Christian counselors and others about the consequences that can arise from this mindset. “As Biblical counselors let’s not collude with the evil one by turning our attention to the victim, requiring her to forgive, to forget, to trust again when there has been no evidence of inner change” https://www.biblestudytools.com/blogs/association-of-biblical-counselors/5-indicators-of-an-evil-and-wicked-heart.html?fbclid=iwar3erp79zk4crlqvpmji7otejsekdehoilwhrdk4dizjg3nbz68w0tola0w
    There’s no doubt in my mind that when you forgive, you provide some level of psychological comfort to your transgressor. And in doing so, what could come of that? More sense of ease in re-offending? There are benefits to having consequences for the intentional, damage-inflicting acts perpetrated by members of an otherwise just society.

  2. Amber says:

    This is just what I needed. I found this when googling is forgiveness necessary. I’m on a healing journey and letting myself feel feelings that I suppressed for the sake of having a relationship and “forgiveness”. Thank you

  3. gomobius says:

    Yup… Forgiveness is a distractive myth.

    • I don’t know that it’s a myth. Forgiveness has it’s place for certain people and situations. My problem is with prescribing it for everyone. Some things can’t be forgiven. Or people aren’t in a place where forgiveness makes sense or would benefit them. But it gets prescribed like a panacea.

  4. Heidi Hall says:

    I was severely abused by a husband. Nevertheless almost everyone around me, including a licensed therapist and people who claimed to be friends (I do not consider them as such) have insisted that I must “forgive” and “let it go” and “stop talking about it” in order to “heal”.

    I believe the rules of forgiveness were written by the victors – not the victims and those rules are promulgated by:
    -those who are guilty and want to be forgiven
    -those who want to continue to fuck over other people with impunity
    -those who want to be free from making a moral decision
    -those who don’t want their precious mellow harshed by the knowledge that some people do some real bad things
    -those who don’t want their precious mellow harshed by the anger, fear and sadness of another human being
    -those who don’t give a shit what someone does to someone else
    -those who desire the social currency carried by the guilty party
    – those who will victim blame rather than acknowledge their own vulnerability

    etc

    fuck forgiveness

  5. Clover says:

    “Forgiveness has nothing to do with absolving a criminal of his crime. It has everything to do with relieving oneself of the burden of being a victim–letting go of the pain and transforming oneself from victim to survivor.” –> This particular distorted perspective is so frustating and suffocating. This is also the most popular opinion of forgiveness. When you say that you have no intention of forgiving someone who did shit to you, people come running to you to ‘enlighten’ you and tell you that the dictionary meaning of the word ‘forgiveness’ is wrong and that I have ‘misunderstood’ the meaning of the word. What is more absurd is that people really do believe this crap and start propagating the same shit to others. I just don’t understand why they love this word so much that they are ready to change the original meaning of the word just to make the word more victim friendly. I wish this word is replaced with ‘let go’. That would make much more sense as it doesn’t force the victim to cancel out the debts of the abuser.

  6. Dan Berarducci says:

    “Forgetting” is NOWHERE in the equation of forgiveness. Amnesia is neither nor is forgetting is not desirable. Experience keeps us from danger and protects us.
    There’s this “line” somewhere between “absolving” an abuser and holding hatred. I don’t have to tell anyone what that does to the person carrying that around. It becomes a heavy burden. It can consume us.
    Take the case where an abuser has died. How do we exact revenge? How do we hold them to account?
    The answer is, “We can’t”. So now we are holding our pain, and focusing our suffering, and the offender is DEAD.
    Is it possible to find the place where we fight for our cause without consuming ourselves?
    Maybe we need a better definition of “forgiveness”. Maybe it means we “let go of our hatred”. If that lets us remove the abuse as the “focal point of our existence” – what I view as an unhealthy way to live – then I think I favor it.

    • I can hate my abuser without it being a burden. I can find a way to deal with pain and heal without resorting to either forgiveness or revenge. I can validate my emotions and pain without it being the focal point of my entire life. You are setting up a false dichotomy that demonstrates a deep ignorance of trauma and the healing process.

  7. P says:

    This my friend is the best article i have read on forgiveness. I completely agree 150%. I have stood by this since i was 13 yrs old and now 57. Suffered physical and sexual abuse from a brother in law and my parents did not stand behind me, meaning they did nothing. I cannot forgive them because they will not acknowledge or own it with a genuine apology to me. I have moved on and am not struggling any more with the perpetrator, but only my parents for not protecting me. Their choices affected my life, even more so today in figuring it out as an adult. I wi never get an apology from them. They have made their choice and I have made mine, i no longer speak with the or see them. I have found peace with that and have moved on. Thank you for this real, compassionate, and heartfelt article. PW

  8. Leah says:

    For over a year I have come to this mentality for myself: ‘forgive that sh*t and forget it’, for coping a recent dramatic breakup. The mantra works in the way that both demonstrates my anger, and the will of not holding up to the anger itself, because I need to move on. I don’t have to forgive someone, and neither should I be pushed to forgive. Getting healed and forgiving someone/something are two different types of business. It’s not fair to drop your standard to unwilling forgive someone for their wrongs to you, it might even hurt you more, and should you not be bothered to become what a ‘healthy person’ is as claimed out of your genuine character.

  9. amy says:

    Thank you for these wise and freeing thoughts. I have deep down inside felt this way about forgiving my father’s sexual abuse of me, my mother’s and sisters’ support of him. I would be lying to myself if I forgave what they have done. I did reconnect with my parents and sisters, and wanted to at least have a cordial relationship with them, which I think we did. But when my parents died and I found out I was disinherited because I had “told the secret” about the abuse, and that my sisters thought that was OK, I decided I could no longer have any relationship with my sisters. It would be a sham. So, again, thank you for these encouraging words of freedom.

  10. Mark Erickson says:

    My therapist at every meeting tried to convince me I needed to forgive to heal from the narcissistic abuse of my parents and siblings. I no long am seeing that therapist. It’s fucked up analogy for healing oneself. I will never forgive as long as I live the people who abused me. Why is it physical abuse can be prosecuted but mental abuse is ““too bad so sad” it happened. Live with it.”

    • Patti Wilson says:

      So true. Physical abuse leaves a bruise and then goes away. Mental and emotional amabuse never goes away. 😦

      • Physical abuse can also leave emotional scars. In validating the realness of one kind of pain we can also continue validating the realness of others. 🙂

  11. Star Galaxy says:

    I wish there where several words to describe different levels of forgiveness. We use the word forgive for every situation, someone accidently steps on your toe,oops,that’s ok,I forgive you. Someone murders your loved one,I forgive you…umm,no,it just doesn’t work for me. I will never give you the peace of mind that comes with forgiveness from me. I just feel it gives the person a free pass, oh I hurt you but you forgave me,what next,the offender moves on,but the offended is still wounded. I am not a forgiving person,I never was even as a child. I am not an angry person either,actually I am very peaceful and content. I have heard that not forgiving is like drinking poison,and hoping the other person will die. I don’t feel poisoned,just the opposite, I feel very much alive.

    • Exactly. Not forgiving doesn’t have to translate to not being at peace or being unable to move on. It doesn’t have to be poisoning though even in that illustration there is an inherent assumption that difficult emotions are bad to feel. I think it’s interesting how we normalize sadness over a death, even sadness that lingers for years, coming in waves with anniversaries and reminders. But anger over something painful that functions similarly is considered toxic. In my experience it’s suppression and the inability to process emotions that is toxic not the presence of them.

  12. JoAnn Visone says:

    Forgiveness like kindness can be taken for weakness. Furthermore, it may be an enabler for such abuse. It’s total bullshit when they mention the second definition of forgiveness means to let go of the hurt. Also, saying it’s for you only to let the perpetrators off the hook. I utterly detest those who judge people like us for saying that forgiveness has no place in our lives.

  13. Omar Ali says:

    I hate forgiveness. I was abused by my father. I sought advice from muslim clerics and everyone else who was knowledgeable, and they told me that my father had rights over me, meaning he was right to abuse me. From that moment on, I hated Islam because they trivialized my feelings and made me into the guilty party even though I was the one abused by my father. They told me to forgive my father. My own mother echoed the sentiment, and when I didn’t follow her mandate she would destroy me financially and emotionally. She was abused by my father, and she hasn’t forgiven him. Yet she’s forcing me to forgive my father. I hate forgiveness. I don’t want to forgive my father. Islam is forcing me to forgive my father. I hate forgiveness and Islam.

    • I’m sorry your family and spiritual leaders failed so badly in supporting you. I can definitely relate, and I hope you are able to find supportive people for yourself and ways to heal.

    • Marianne Wilson says:

      Your words touched my heart so much, and I am so sorry all of this happened to you. I wish for you to be healed. You have a right to be angry, you have a right to not want to forgive. Don’t be bothered by anyone who tells you differently. You don’t have to tolerate abuse or even be around people who abuse you, even family. You can honor your parents by being a good person and living a good life and treating others with the respect you were not given.

  14. Rosey says:

    Yes best of everything I’ve ever thought of regarding forgiveness. The best I heard said to me was “that was a long time ago and not letting go caused you to be weird” seriously. This post is everything to me.

  15. Corinth says:

    Yes. YES.
    this hits the nail on the head of what has always pissed me off about the notions of forgiveness. It’s a subset of toxic positivity. Thank you!

  16. Co Mo says:

    Interesting article. Let me add my five cents for what it’s worth and for consideration.

    Forgiveness is usually advocated by people who believe that justice is wrong. Period. They do not believe in consequences for actions.

    It can be used as a weapon against people. Some of us want to move on from say, cheating in relationships or a divorce. And having to forgive is really about blaming the victim, demanding attention, maintaining the relationship. I see no need to be ‘fake friends’ with people I don’t want in my life.

    Dealing with horrible people who tried to ruin your life is a major impediment in progress towards a new life.

    While anger is understandable, it is good to work through it and let it go. Letting go is not forgiveness. It is moving on. It is good to get rid of the ‘victim mentality’ and ‘anger issues’ so that you can get a fresh focus on life.

    Justice and refusal to forgive is not judgement and hate. Many ‘ameliorative’ types demanding forgiveness are putting an unfair burden on harmed people and making unfair requests. The balance was always heavily weighted in favour of the perpetrator to begin with. Why stop now? Might as well make survivors feel bad and guilty. In this sense, demands for forgiveness are judgemental, negative, and absolutist.

    You can forget and you can let go of anger. It takes time and these goals are perfectly healthy. But letting go of anger and learning to move on benefit the survivors. Forgiveness seems to be about using the victim to make the perpetrator of abuse and mistreatment feel better. The key to getting away from these people is to remove them permanently from your life and not allow them any manipulations or communications, including from their supportive and manipulators/opportunists or goody two-shoes who demand ‘forgiveness’. How about demanding accountability from abusers instead? It sounds like harassment of those who have been abused.

  17. dgseigel says:

    Justice, justice shall you pursue.
    That’s such a stronger statement that Christianity has been unwilling to address as a fundamental tenet. There’s room for forgiveness if you wish, but it’s not central to moving forward. Justice is far more therapeutic, though often it’s not easy to pursue or even tolerate.

  18. Tom says:

    Thank you. One more thing I have always disagreed with at a gut level that the sheeple just accept. Of course it seems when it suits a poliyicsl narrative as in reperations, there is no room for foregiveness.

  19. Gretchen says:

    THANK YOU!!! I’ve struggled with this one for decades. Resentments are a bitch – and I would love nothing more than to let go of them, but too often that has led to my revictimization. Plus, I’m not Jesus. I’ve held myself to this unattainable standard of sainthood only to be drug through the mud again or by someone else because I focused on ‘my part’, rather than my pain. What was necessary was for me to forgive myself and learn to hold firm boundaries, say no, and some times, fuck all the way off for ever. I’m totally down to find that something might have been a misunderstanding and work through that, or to forgive those who are truly sorry and take concrete steps to make changes… but to burden myself with forgiving people who hurt me deliberately or recklessly with no second thought or remorse is stupid, dangerous and unjust. I’m glad to hear much more discussion on this whole notion being total bullshit. If I’d just let myself be mad 20 years ago, I’d be mad at a hell of a lot fewer people.

  20. Keira Hartig says:

    Thank you for this. I have been struggling, believing I am a selfish person because my mother pressures me to ‘forgive and forget’ and that I am a bitter person because I refuse to ‘forgive’ those who wronged me. It is all bullshit! Everything you said has lifted weight from my shoulders, knowing I am not the only one who believes it is all a façade.

  21. Zaza says:

    Best quote someone said to me about forgive and forget!

    Forgive and forget? I’m neither Jesus nor do I have Alzheimer’s!

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