Releasing the Old as I Head into the New

I’m starting out this new year with a lot of re-evaluation and releasing. Yesterday, while I stayed home from my usual responsibilities with a cold and laryngitis, I sorted through a bunch of stuff in storage, finding things that I’d forgotten to return to others and weeding out what I no longer needed to keep for myself.

I suppose it’s sort of like a New Year’s resolution—I’ve set the intention of only taking with me that which still serves me, beginning with the physical but not stopping there.

Some things are super easy to get rid of because they hold little significance outside of their physical use. Old coats with torn linings, broken picture frames, dried up markers.

Others are harder because they’re not just objects. They hold a psychological and emotional significance. I can feel the readiness to release them from my life, but I have a harder time actually letting go.

Yesterday, perhaps for the first time in a decade, I decided to recycle some of the therapeutic projects I’d done earlier in my healing journey with my therapist. Dioramas and collages that had helped me process and grow–projects that had been sitting around for 5 or more years.

In some ways, I felt guilty. I had put so much energy into creating these that it seemed downright sacrilegious to get rid of them, yet I realized that in many ways I had already released what they represented. I no longer returned to them or wanted to pull them out to look at them. I didn’t struggle with remembering the truths expressed because I had internalized those truths. I no longer needed them to help me process.

By that point, they had lost the magic of holding for me what I was unable to hold within myself—be it grief or anger or hope or remembrance. They were a tool that had served its purpose and now were ready to be let go.

Once I had worked through the guilt, I realized that tools like these that have finished their purpose actually take on another purpose.

Their new purpose becomes helping me learn to release.

My journey has taken me to new places psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually. I will never lose what has been involved in creating me, but I also no longer need to “stay” there energetically. It’s okay for me to reach a point where I can say, “This has been important to me, but it’s time to make room for something new.”

I think I’m reaching that point with other things in my life as well. I’m re-evaluating what role I want my blog to play in 2018.

It has been such an important platform for me to have a voice, but I no longer feel that weekly posts either feed my growth or replenish my zeal for life.

Perhaps I will move to a monthly schedule or just post as the mood fits. I’m craving less and less online activity and more privacy for personal reflection, so I’ll have to see what balance I can strike to continue allowing this tool to play a role in my life without needing to try to keep it in the same role that it’s been in for the last five or more years.

It’s a new year…it’s time for new adventures! (Or at least new approaches to familiar adventures to make room for renewed creativity!)



When Did Blogging Become So Much Work?

I have been so busy the last couple of weeks that it’s been impossible to sit down and focus on a topic to write about for this weekend. I am mentally saturated with all the papers I’m writing for school and exhausted as I race towards graduation.

And of course, I’m judging myself that I’m not somehow capable of writing a blog post in my head as I sprint from one thing to the next because…perfectionism, yay!

But the truth is, I haven’t even had time to sit down long enough to hear my own damn thoughts, so how could I possibly have anything to share?

When I started a blog, I didn’t realize how much actual work it would be, nor did I think about how seriously I would take it. It was a “hobby,” a way to get my thoughts out and maybe entertain or stimulate discussion with others.

In reality, I’ve come to understand that having a blog and keeping up with providing content that feels relevant, isn’t a complete waste of my readers’ time, and meets my standards of sort of good writing is A LOT OF DAMN WORK.

It’s a fucking unpaid part-time job to just get a post out a week!

It’s a commitment that I enjoy and value, but I often fail to give myself credit for what I put into it. It’s not uncommon for me to have waves of guilt that I’m not “writing as much as I used to” while forgetting that I write a post between 500 to 1,000 words each week (not to mention all those academic papers!).

So this week, in lieu of trying to force myself to find a topic on which I can write a hasty, unedited piece, I’m taking a moment to acknowledge that keeping up with this blog while I’m in grad school has been a hell of an accomplishment.

And since I still don’t have a post for this week, I figured I’d just give myself permission to do a little public bragging in a hastily written, unedited piece. 😉